CONFESSION OF A PROFESSIONAL GARDENER

My friends seem to think I'm like Lady Chatterley's Lover.

They often joke about my "posh lady clients" and suggest they are all dying to have an affair with me. I wish.

I am a landscape gardener and horticulturalist, based in Surrey.

My clients have included famous people and rich business men with Porches in the drive.

When i discuss redesigning a garden I'm amazed by how few questions clients ask. They have zero interest in how it's going to happen, what plants will work in their type of soil, and when they will flower.

I can plan a stunning scheme and all they will say is: "Will the flowers be out in time for our BBQ ?" One client actually asked me to "Plant something that will give beautiful blooms all year round". I jokingly suggested plastic flowers.

I try not to judge them for not caring about plants as much as i do. But I do get gloomy sometimes. My girlfriend is tired of hearing me moan about how little interest clients have in their own gardens. It upsets me most when they want horrible " modern garden sculptures" that will make it look like a Dubai hotel courtyard.

Mostly, I know when I finish a job that they won't look after it properly and that the slugs will be in there within days.

I make suggestions and explain what the problem might be - trying to plant delicate tropical flowers in a shady, waterlogged corner, say, or planting trees that will screen the sun from the beds, but often, they don't want to hear it. One lady said. "I'm paying and if you won't do it, someone else will." Sadly she was right.

There are upsides - spending time outdoors, having space to think, staying fit without the gym - but no one has ever propositioned me. I am just the chap who does the weeding.